How did I exist on a functional level before I started drinking coffee (at 12 years old, mind you)? My 24 oz. coffee mug is essentially an extension of my hand. Another appendage, if you will. My mug is now what I consider "a cup" of coffee. And it is the staple of my diet.Seriously.
(Don't worry, I add protein powder in the morning, and sometimes in the evening too!)
Combine this with 37mg of Adderall per day and I can be rather functional and productive most days.
"What have you eaten today?" she asks me.
I roll my eyes. Here we go again.
"Coffee." I respond, as usual.
And as usual, her response is, "Coffee is NOT a food."
I fake shock at this absurd suggestion, throwing my hand to my chest, fingers spread, eyes wide and mouth falling open.
She briefly smiles, then regains her professional aire and continues. "You already know this, so I won't repeat myself again."
"Then I guess I forgot to eat today." I reply, knowing full-well that she will not accept this answer.
And then we change the subject to something a bit less controversial. At least for this week.
9 years of outpatient therapy, 6 months in residential treatment, 2 weeks in hospital for organ failure and emergency surgery, and a total of nearly 19 years wasted. And I'm still caught in the grips of this anorexic hell.
And all because the number on the scale was never quite low enough.
Sometimes I wonder if it ever will be.
4 comments:
Hi Wendy-
Thanks for your insightful post on my blog. I've got mixed emotions about this project and kind of hit a standstill. Your note got me thinking at a good time.
What are you up to?
Best-
TA
I emailed you a response to your Ghost print, and a comment someone else had made. It ended up rather long, and after I emailed it, I decided to go ahead and post it anyway. :)
I need to start updating on here! :) I'm keeping busy with work and school and healing from a freak visit to the ER, followed by emergency surgery a day later, and another ER visit the day after.
Other than that, I'm doing quite well! LOL
Hoping to get some of my own photographs put up here soon. :)
Wendy
Hi Wendy. Thanks for following my blog. You are a very talented writer! I read your post and was immediately transported to your story of 'coffee' being another appendage!
I know your struggle in a different yet similar experience as I was bullimic for 17 years. My body is just healing from all the gargage I put myself through. It will get better and you will begin to heal one day at a time. I know that means nothing to you right now... I know that hopelessness, discouragement, frustration and seemingless endlessness of it all. All to be something we are not. Wounds go deep yet they can miraculously heal through God.
Hugs to you.
Hi Kelly -
Thanks for writing. :)
Your words DO, in fact, mean something to me. I spent 6 months inpatient up in Canada at an eating disorder treatment facility in 2006. I still struggle almost daily, but one thing I have found is a sense of hope that never used to exist.
Two things you said really struck me as worth writing down and remembering. "It will get better and you will begin to heal one day at a time"; and "Wounds go deep yet they can miraculously heal through God."
I am slowly beginning to realize that second one, and just how true it actually is. :)
Thanks for the encouragement. It's always appreciated!
Blessing to you, and write anytime. :)
Wendy
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